We had a little Christmas gathering at work on Friday and one of my co-workers congratulated me on surviving the semester and asked “so what are you going to do with the degree when you finish” that’s a good question actually because where I work is growing, where I work is fun, where I work could really turn into something special, and I have been a part of it from almost the beginning. This wasn’t true when I first decided to go back to school. Granted I really just wanted something more than a high school diploma and I wanted to follow through on something I had put on hold because of Corey. But now that I am a little more than halfway through with it I have to wonder what I’ll do with the education. I guess first things first I have to finish. I registered for four classes in the spring and I am considering a short session course which would mean five. FIVE? I am not sure if I am that crazy, we’ll see I still have a couple of weeks to decide.

I managed some really cool trips this year after the cruise the most surprising being one to D.C. I wanted to take Cam to see the new Martin Luther King Memorial and that morphed into a full blown trip with a white house tour and a Sting concert. The Martin Luther King Memorial was amazing definitely the highlight of the trip, oh and Sting, love Sting obviously it’s only like the 3rd time I’ve gone to one of his concerts.

Out of nowhere I received a fetlife email from someone who showed interest in my profile that I had not been active on in over a year. I responded with how much I appreciated the interest but I have pretty much turned off that part of myself if the lack of activity didn’t already make this clear. He responded “well let me know if you decide to turn it back on again” If it were only that simple.

So as mentioned above I took Cam on a cruise for Spring Break and I must say the trip was amazing. We went on an excursion to one of the Mayan Ruin sites while we were in Costa Maya and it was one of the highlights of the trip. I met someone on the cruise that doesn’t have a remote chance of being anything but it was nice to be reminded I am alive. It’s been so long since I looked up to notice someone smiling at me and taking the time to smile back with real interest. I honestly can’t say if I genuinely liked him or if I was just relieved to discover I haven’t given up entirely on meeting someone. It was a nice surprise to discover it’s just been awhile since I felt that spark instead of what I feared which was I have given up entirely on relationships, dating, men, etc. etc. So yeah this very cute man from Trinidad smiled at me and I looked up and thought “well hiya cutie”. Of course Cam made a point of checking on me as many times as humanly possible whenever I was talking to the cutie from Trinidad. This didn’t spoil the flirtation at all and it was a welcome surprise to discover I still have flirting in me.

I was voted Employee of the Month yesterday and I have to say I was surprised. I thought I made it clear to Kellie I would rather have the flu than that honor but it appears the nominations were out of her control. It was nice to be recognized and I got a gift card and a day off with pay for the honor which is pretty cool.

So what else? Well the cutie made a point of giving me his contact info and friended me before I made it home. I figure it can’t hurt to continue to practice my flirting skills online right? I have solid Bs in my classes despite taking a week off 3 weeks before finals so my plan is to buckle down and finish strong. Other than that I plan to keep working hard now that I have the employee of the month bullseye on my back, thanks again Kellie

1st off I may have tested out of math back in 1988 and maybe it will be a very cool thing to just pick up where I left off in my core paralegal classes. But taking my lone math class when I have not taken a math class since 1987 means I have been struggling. Simply put if I had not taken this class and went with a core class at night instead I would have been forced to drop after V’s injury. And this bit of information is the only silver lining in what can only be described as  x = (hell+pain)-y(happiness) for me.

Corey-well we had his annual meeting and since I am still waiting for the hearing date for guardianship Corey had to attend the meeting and write his name beside mine. All 65 pages spelling out C-O-R-E-Y each time. This was the only comic relief in what was a blow and I mean a physical blow. To add goals we had taken off 2 years ago, 5 years ago, or 7 years ago. The feeling of walking in a circle, the feeling of no amount of effort will change a reality after 17 years I still can’t accept. It’s like a punch to the stomach.  But on the brighter side I did take him to see Disney on Ice for his 19th birthday Thursday night. Yes 19 sighs. And we had a wonderful time at the Walk for Autism on Saturday. It was probably the one calm spot in what can only be described as a very challenging weekend. I wound up on the floor in a physical wrestling match with Corey yesterday to really bring me back to past issues I thought we had long since overcome. He pushed his teacher on Thursday (yes the same day as Disney on Ice it’s bitter and sweet in my world) she hit her head on the wall and wound up with an emergency visit and a mild concussion. And that is my life with Corey everything is fine until it’s not.

So what else my mom is still a royal pain in the ass and has taken that show on the road to facebook to be more of a royal pain in the ass. A great example being her insistence on making a thing of me not having a party at the bowling alley or some other gathering the way I did for Cameron last month. Forget that Corey has been a challenge, forget that I was on pins and needles praying his teacher didn’t press assault charges, yes forget all that because mom has discovered something I appear reluctant to do that she can then bug me to death about. This all ended with her showing up at my house yesterday unannounced with food so we “do something for Corey’s bday” because I assume the cake I baked, the evening watching Disney on Ice, and then our participating in the Walk for Autism weren’t enough “things”. And ok mom shows up with food no biggie except I had to hear about the Holly Peete interview and maybe if I had intervened earlier, maybe if I had more money Corey would be further along. Of course this was intermingled with every other useless suggestion she made as Corey did his thing as I warned her he was in that mood hence the reason I didn’t organize a party. And then when I was at my boiling point I had to endure the “you are just like your grandmother” charges of not being capable of accepting help. Which of course is what her useless digs were “help”…moving on.

MNG hmmm well he’s the master of facebook these days having found a nice group of old friends from N. Dakota to show how much better off he is not working. Documenting every new project with plenty of photos and there is always a new project. He checks in with me every once in awhile to give me project stats he knows I am already aware of thanks to facebook. Or to give me weight updates on how much he has lost thanks to all the hard work he is putting in on his house. I think #1 he has found someone new to shake his feathers at and #2 I have been too busy to be much fun in the preening for attention category.

D yes D he will contact me every blue moon. I think it’s his own pavlov’s dogs research. “If I text her will she still drool?” “If I send an email with yet another new email address will she jump at the chance to reconnect with me?” “If I make mention of the hotel will she cream her pants in anticipation?” All very good questions, no?

“Cat this book probably really spoke to you I would imagine. Aren’t you our own Elizabeth traveling all over the southeast, leaving your marriage because you weren’t happy? BTW I saw your latest photos on facebook. How long were you in Tampa?”  I told her how long we spent in Tampa and how it was our last vacation before school. And she commented on how old Cam looked with his mustache and all. And then the youngest member of our group made a face and a noise so the flight attendant asked what it was about. She responded “well personally I think Cat is in denial. I don’t believe she is having the great time her photos project. Am I supposed to believe she is having the time of her life when her children are always with her? What babysitting near the beach is so much more fun than babysitting at home? And let’s keep it real she is basically alone with no man to tell her how great she looks in her bathing suit or take her out for dinner. I am sorry but no 40 year old woman is having a ball on all those trips solo”

Ok so you are probably wondering what I had to say to this statement, charge, attack, or whatever. My response was… Well I can only speak for me so let me start by saying I am going to assume every woman who is in a relationship in this room has not had the same experiences going on vacation with their significant others that I have. But I was married B and I have been on vacation with men, with good female friends, and with my sons and I have to tell you traveling with SOs really wasn’t all that. If I was traveling with hubby it was all about his control, where we went, how I was dressed, who was paying, what I was allowed to get excited about. So a vacation was pretty much reduced to sex and food. Now don’t get me wrong I like sex and food just as much as anyone in this room. But I really don’t see the point in driving hundreds of miles to spend the entire time away worrying about where we are going to eat and how many times we are going to have sex.

I went on a cruise with SE, one he pushed for me to go through with I might add even after all the other couples backed out. So I went ahead and paid for the cruise with the understanding that he would give me half of the cost when I met him in Charleston. Well when I arrived a day before the ship was due to leave he announced he only had half of his half TOTAL. Meaning not only could he not cover his half of the cruise but once he gave me the portion he could cover he wouldn’t have any money for gas to drive to Florida or food and drink while we were on the cruise. Ok so I had already paid for the cruise two months prior and I am not one to ruin a good time over something like money especially if I have it. But it tainted the whole vacation because I couldn’t sign up for any of the tours the cruise ships offer. I had to be discriminating in how many drinks I ordered because being too extravagant was perceived as throwing in his face that he didn’t have money. Ok so we are on a cruise ship headed for Nassau and it’s only then SE announces to me he doesn’t plan on getting in the water, not the pool, and not the beach. He lives in Charleston and he never goes to the beach he informs me and the most I can hope for is him to go out and watch me. Because I guess he was just too cool for swimming trunks or whatever. Everyone knows I love the ocean, the beach, and water. Did I have a terrible time on the trip? Of course not I am going to adapt to the situation to make sure I have a good time and I did adapt. But I can assure you if I had taken Cam on the cruise or gone with T on the cruise it would have been a completely different vacation and the smiles you would have seen in the photos I posted on facebook would have been genuine.

Of course B just sort of gave me the look, the “you are in denial I feel so sorry for you look” and we proceeded with the rest of the meeting with me saying very little. I was annoyed 1st because I really hate it when someone assumes their reality is everyone elses and if you don’t agree it is you are in denial.  Maybe she is the one in denial thinking the only way to live a fulfilled life or enjoy a vacation is if a man tells her she looks good in her bathing suit. Like I need that verbalized anyway, folks I looked damn good in my bathing suit and I didn’t need a man to tell me although plenty did But I never hurl that sort of energy at other people. Whatever gets you through the night is my motto. So it really, really, annoys me when I am not given the same lattitude. 2nd ok I know this will read bitter to some and I am ok with that. 2nd I am not drinking the kool aid. I don’t think if Richard Gere isn’t taking me to the opera with some big rock to make me his own I don’t have a life worth living. Yes men have value, yes sex is great and never a bad idea, and yes a man can make a life even mine fulfilling. But not having one doesn’t mean I am in a life of misery. I am not scared I will be the little old lady in a shoe with a bunch of cats folks. I don’t like cats anyway I have a dog. Besides I am quite content not to share my closet and if I am able to fill it up with shoes to the ceiling I don’t see that as a bad thing. What is even more insulting about B’s comment is she is one of those SATC girls. She works at Wells Fargo has her masters degree but refuses to buy a home because she wants to wait until she is married. She hasn’t been on a cruise because she wants to wait until she is married. She grudgingly will go on a vacation usually a family reunion or something of that nature because she wants to wait until she is married before she sees the world. Umm who is in denial again? Oh sorry I digress whatever gets you through the night

It has been like this for two weeks solid. The air doesn’t move and a breeze would be like winning the lottery. Even at 11:30 pm the temps are still in the mid 80s. So if you are wondering what’s going on in my world. I am trying to find relief from the heat and keep Corey entertained.

So I am waiting at the front in Walmart for my yellow return sticker as I walk up there are 2 people ahead of me that I assume incorrectly are also returning items. In fact both have set off the alarms and the attendant is checking their purchases. The 2nd was a blonde woman, attractive, maybe 25, who had the misfortune to buy a mega box of trojan extra sensitive condoms apparently on sale. The attendant took this box out and waved it in front of the door for at least 5 minutes no exaggeration. After he was assured everyone within a 50ft radius at the front entrance I might add knew the young blonde had purchased the mega box of trojan extra sensitive he checked her receipt and let her pass. We exchanged looks as she returned her box of condoms to the bag and passed me. It was one of  “fuck this old man I am taking my condoms because embarrassment is a small price to pay for protection” and my “wow some things really are orchestrated for the most grief they just have to be”…

After my return and the cash I was very happy to find I was able to buy what I needed within my refund amount. I just love it when that happens. I found what I needed and was back in line within 5 minutes with only one person in front of me in the express line. I love when that happens even more. It was an elderly couple who it appears the cashier had waved over into her line because they had a lot more than 10 items but were almost finished when I walked up. The total $66.53, the woman presented her food stamps card, the new total $7.34. She turned to her husband and his pockets were empty and she only had a $5 bill in her hand. So she searched though her bags and pulled out a 12 pack of soap and handed it to the cashier. And all I thought was wow, two non food items toilet paper and soap. What a choice. Hard times I tell ya very hard times…

In other news a couple of weeks ago D friended me on facebook and me being the glutton for punishment I am accepted. I am not really sure why he friended me especially considering his concerns with his wife and family but he did and of course I was curious enough to accept. I really do think I am nothing more than a caricature to him and once he realized that I don’t run around in a catsuit or in an afro wig he was bored. I am not sure what he was expecting or if he even gave it much thought. But after a couple of weeks of regular ole Cat with photos of vacations, Cam’s band performances, OMG why isn’t it 6 o’ clock, and calgon take me away its Wednesday and I have Corey tonight posts he disappeared. After taking a peek into his life though and this is with us being as random as we admittedly are/were. I really do wonder what in the hell prompted him to get involved with me in the 1st place. Getting a small glimpse of who he is in real life so to speak it only makes how we were ever anything to each other even more difficult to understand.