Two weeks ago I woke up with this feeling of sadness and loneliness. I woke up feeling like I didn’t have anyone for myself and my home had become a prison for me. I decided to take a break go out and try to clear my head and instead I wound up with a broken ankle. Today I woke up feeling great and the only difference between two weeks ago and today was that Corey wasn’t home. I went to my brother’s last night we watched a couple of movies and for some reason when I got home I had a burst of energy. I was up until 1:3o in the morning putting my house back in order after two weeks of being out of commission. When I woke up this morning I felt great. My house wasn’t a mess, the sun was out, Cam was home, and my ankle wasn’t throbbing. And then hubby stopped by to pick up a few things for Corey. I have not seen Corey the past two weeks. I gave him the biggest hug, I was glad to see him. But I was also relieved to know he wasn’t staying and that scares the shit out of me.
I woke up today feeling like a person who could get up and do whatever they wanted on a Sunday afternoon. Someone who didn’t have a strict schedule to keep or a bunch of needs that had to be met. And I had this feeling of freedom and relief like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. After 15 years I didn’t have to make breakfast at a certain time, or worry about the weather, or worry about how long we were in the house, or how long we were away, worry about what we were going to eat, or worry about where I had to go and if Corey could go along. I didn’t have to worry about him sneaking out while I was asleep, or punching a hole in the wall if something didn’t go the way he wanted. I didn’t have to stay at home and I could go over to my brothers, I could go to dinner or to a movie. And all I can think is how will I ever be able to put the weight back on my shoulders after a month or more of having it off?
5 Comments
March 26, 2007 at 1:23 pm
I just don’t see how the weight can go back on in the same way or distribution. You’ve carried it by yourself for so long now. You’ve been in the thick of things for so long you couldn’t see just how difficult a situation it is. I don’t know what the answer is but i think you may need to look at doing things differently. I so wish i could help but i do have faith in your ability to cope.
March 27, 2007 at 2:54 am
wow, Cat, you are a strong woman…
how you get to live for the two weeks is exactly how my life looks like every day, and yet, I still complain.
I read all your posts. you are truly amazing. seriously.
March 31, 2007 at 1:57 pm
I just found your other blog Cat. You dog! I know how you feel. I always feel like that when Katie’s away as well. There’s a hole when she’s gone but it’s so relaxing, unstructured. Your life sounds a lot like mine, very structured, very regimented and also very flexible, because it all depends on how Katie is.
It is a burden. And then I feel guilty for thinking that but it’s how I feel at times. I lover her and I’m glad she’s in my life but it’s so hard sometimes, I just want to lay down and weep and never get back up.
There, haven’t I cheered you up? Take care of yourself.
March 31, 2007 at 3:43 pm
You’re an incredibly strong woman. You’re the kind of person who just does whatever it takes to get things done. You don’t stop to pity yourself, you just cope and you do it beautifully. You’ll be fine because you make it fine.
April 1, 2007 at 3:48 am
Serenity-I think you are right, things will have to change a bit.
Europosh-when I am in the thick of things I don’t really notice the burden. I must say for all the burdens there are also many rewards. And it’s the joyful times that make it easier to handle the hard times…
Deb-Eek you have found me out. Actually I have a live journal too, why I have so much to say and need more than one place to say it is beyond me. Since Corey has been away I find I have been writing less. I guess writing is a helpful outlet for me when he is home. I love that you identify with me, I am sure you know how isolating our lives can be. So when I read one of your comments or a post I am comforted to know there is someone else dealing with similar things.
Anna-thank you, I try to do my best and hopefully it will be enough…