Chillin…

Bye!

I am finished with work and now all I need to do is pack and prepare Cam for 4 days without me…

What comes next…

After I met D for lunch I sort of went back to the wait and see mode I had been operating under for the past six months. I haven’t written or talked about our lunch date. Partly because I don’t remember a lot of the details enough to have a gabfest with my friends and be like and then he and then I etc. It was more of a quick meltdown into the nice warm dark space of blotto that I still really haven’t found words to describe. D usually will have some sort of chat recap after we are together.  I am not sure if it’s because I am surprisingly silent and he wants to make sure he is reading my non verbal cues correctly. Or if he is well aware I am in oblivion a good bit of the time we are together and really appreciate the chance to recap. Either way I am looking forward to our recap chat and our next meeting. I am not even sure why I am certain we will have another meeting but I am fairly certain we will. Hopefully soon.

Road Trip!

Yep, yep, yep this time next week I will be in T’s neck of the woods. I am flying out early Saturday morning returning home on Tuesday. I am so ready to shake the dust of Charlotte off for a few days. I am also glad patience paid off because I wanted to take this trip at the end of the summer but childcare just wasn’t there. I told T maybe we would try in the late fall and shock and awe it worked out for a change. Yay me!

Just a few years…

From Mom…I know that (her husband) would go ape if I said yes. I know that you usually get angry when I say no but I have to live with him and I can’t deal with the drama these days. I don’t make enough money to be as independent as I use to be. I don’t keep (my nephews) overnight either. In fact, I only keep them when he is not here. Sorry! Before you know it Cameron will be old enough to leave him home alone. In just a few years things will change. Before you know it he will be gone off to school and Corey will be gone and you will have done your job as a mom.

Well Cam is 13 so in 5 years I am home free! I don’t know why I didn’t think of that before. I just need to wait 5 more years I already have 18 behind me and then I can leave solitary confinement because my job will be done. I don’t get angry because she says no I get angry because of the reasons she gives. First she couldn’t handle Corey and now it’s her husband doesn’t want her grandkids around? Not to mention I don’t know anyone with an 18 year old still chained to the house the way I am because of childcare issues. I can’t leave Corey alone at all and I can’t leave Corey to care for Cam the way I was charged to do with my brothers from 13 on. So when she says just suck it up it’s almost over I want to scream. How exactly will this be over for me? Is there going to be some miracle that swoops in from the sky that makes my job done? Someone is going to come to my house in a few years and give me my gold star and say ok Cat your job is done you are free to go.  I stopped asking her to help with Corey at least 10 years ago. And my SIL and I work full time, we don’t make the money to be jet setters, so it’s not like mom spends a lot of her free time with her children banging down her door looking for a babysitter. It’s just weird to me to have grandkids in the same city that you might see once a month for a couple of hours. Or when school is in it might be 2 or 3 months before she sees them. Since I don’t want to hear the complaints she is down to twice or maybe three times a year with Corey. Isn’t that strange? Isn’t it strange for a guy to marry someone with 3 children and 4 grandchildren and never want them around??? Or for mom to marry someone and live with someone and not be allowed to have her family around.

Reconciled…

From me to Y:
Oh good I am glad she did talk to you because you are a perfect person to give her unbiased advice. I think she sees me as the I don’t give a crap girl. The nazi woman who will kick a man to the curb for breathing. I don’t know why she thinks that but I doubt she would believe the conversations you and I used to have about marriage. Maybe if she hears from someone completely outside of her experience it will help. 

Y’s response:
Well, it didn’t take her long to spill her guts…although, she’s definitely omitting some details. She’s been pretty honest about most of what has happened. I just told her my story and how I had to realize it wasn’t about what others thought if we weren’t together. I had to be happy for myself and for my child. I told her I wasn’t telling her leave or stay, but understand what you accept becomes your standard. So if you accepted the cheating and everything in the beginning, that’s what it will always be. We’ll see what happens. She mentioned being afraid I’d tell you (although, clearly you already know the whole story), but she said it’s more because that’s your brother. But I did mention how you were really supportive and there for me through my break up. 

My response:
When I read some of your advice in context to mine I realize I can be a bit on the nazi chick side. I don’t know how much of what you said she will take to heart but at least you are an unbiased ear. 

I was on the phone with mom at lunch and inevitably the conversation turned to my brother and SIL. I mentioned to her I had reconciled a bit and decided maybe I am not the person my SIL can confide in anymore. Maybe I have hardened a bit. Let’s face it Y is married and so is mom. My SIL has been crying to me for more than 10 years over my brother.  She knows if it were me I would have left so maybe she just can’t bring it all to me again. And maybe whether I realize it or not I am not a very sympathetic ear anymore. I guess mom thought about what I said because she sent me an email a couple of hours later.

From Mom:
Most people believe you are not one to put up with much. I like to think you take the no nonsense approach to everyone because you have to deal with so much from Corey. However, I think some of it comes from the way I made you be strong when you were little. Maybe you weren’t ready to be strong then and now you can’t be anything but strong. I remember when I was going to the hospital to have (my youngest brother) and you and (my brother) cried because I was leaving. I yelled at you because I wanted you to be strong. I should have grabbed you and hugged you and told you everything would be ok and that I would be home in a few days. I expected too much of you. Perhaps now you expect a lot of others. I know you definitely expect so much of yourself. But I am not sure how much SIL will take it to heart because her problem has never been not getting advice from others that were not a part of the situation. She has told counselors, friends, etc. I think she has a problem with you because you do what she can’t and it bothers her because the two of you are friends. 

Well I never said mom can’t still suprise the heck out of me…

Shhh don’t tell Cat…

Email from Mom…If I said something to you about the conversation SIL and I had about your brother please forget it. She has not replied yet so I may have pissed her off. Everyone gets mad when they hear the truth including me.

My response…There is no one for me to tell I honestly don’t know why she is so worried about me knowing. It’s funny because she is corresponding back and forth with my friend Y. She sent out a joke a few months back and SIL has been sending emails to her ever since. So I have the bonus of hearing Y tell me about SIL and my brother.  And I am thinking wow SIL really gets on my nerves. I was lying there many a weekend in your room trying to find the words to say I am leaving hubby for good. And while I was trying to find those words you were on the phone with SIL while she agonized over my brother. It’s just endless. It’s just always about her all the time. It’s not enough she invades everywhere I look. Whining to you that you about Cameron staying over night because her kids must get more attention from you AND her mother even though she knows my kids don’t have the benefit of their other grandmother the way hers do. It’s like her and sister all over again mainfested through me except I am not even related to the pain in the ass. So why is it wherever I turn now she has to make a point of not confiding in me? And make sure I know she is not by texting you MY mother when she knows we are together. Or going back and forth with Y in email when she knows Y is going to mention it. I mean doesn’t she have enough pettiness manifesting in her life without including me???? I am sorry to go off because I know you are just the injured party that has had to listen to her complain about her relationship with your son for 15 years. But seriously this new thing of “don’t tell Cat she can’t be trusted” is really getting on my nerves. There is no one who doesn’t know about her and my brother. The girls in the book club know, the people at her mother’s church know, hell my brother’s best friend knows. So her secret is really safe, because it’s not a secret. 

My mom needed a ride yesterday and she asked me and my SIL to help her out. My SIL took her and I picked her up after work. I called my SIL to find out exactly where my mom was located because I was having a hard time finding the place. After I picked mom up she received a text message from my SIL. “Can you call me when you are alone? I really need to talk” It’s Monday night almost 7pm I am on the other side of town and no where close to making dinner for Cam or helping him with his homework. So when mom mentioned the text it only buzzed over my head. But this morning I sent mom an email asking what was wrong. She told me my brother has found an apartment and is going to move on Nov 14th. At this point Iwas confused about the cloak and dagger of this announcement since she told me at the book club meeting my brother found a 2nd job so he could afford to move out. But ok for some reason my SIL didn’t want me to know. But then mom came back with the email above later in the afternoon after I received one from Y telling me all about how upset my SIL was so I was just a tad bit annoyed with the whole thing.

Fantasy…

I always seem to have some ridiculous 70s song in my head and today it was fantasy all weekend long actually. I met my mom over my grandmother’s for dinner and mom was being mom and at some point I zoned out. I guess I must have been tapping my foot and humming because all of the sudden Cam was too…then even Corey chimed in. Now if there ever was a time I wish someone had captured us on video it was today in my grandmother’s living room. With me and my boys tapping and humming in a row row row your boat kind of rhythm that ended with us all tapping and humming in time. And my grandmother died laughing when we all became aware of what was happening. Because lets face it the boys humming earth wind and fire is funny on it’s own. You add how it started and it’s pretty hilarious.

A night at the theatre…

I took Corey and Cameron to see Beauty and the Beast last night and it was awesome. I am always a little apprehensive about public places and Corey. You just never know how he is going to react. I knew he would love the production I wasn’t sure if he was going to be in a good enough mood during the week for a crowd though. Especially since the show was on a V night so I was going to throw him off his schedule. But Corey was great, perfect in fact. He swayed in his seat when they sang his favorite songs. He sat quietly and didn’t yell out or flap during the entire thing and we even stayed in our seats during the 15 minute intermission. He was perfect and he seemed to really enjoy the show. He was not happy when he realized I was taking him back to V’s but #1 I didn’t want to break his routine too much and #2 his bus picks him up from there and I didn’t want to throw him off by taking him to school. But V called me on  my way to work this  morning and said Corey was in a great mood last night she said he really must have enjoyed himself and he took his program with him to school.

Then there is Cam who I made go because a little culture never hurt anyone, because I like for all 3 of us to do things together as much as possible, and I got a discount on the tickets so bringing him wasn’t a real expense for me. So we are watching the show and the village girls who swoon over Gastone are on the stage. There is one african american village girl who catches my eye mostly because she is wearing a really blonde french wig. And I am thinking yay for the diversity but they were wrong for the blonde wig, couldn’t she have worn the brown one instead. Before this thought can leave my brain Cam leans over and whispers…”something is up with that village girl” so I turned “what the wig?” and he says “no I think she’s a dude”…

Ok 1st off I know that most productions like this are very gender neutral you use the actors you have and there have been plenty of times when a girl is playing a male character or vice versa at a production and Cam never gave it a 2nd thought. So I just hunched and said so, thinking when we got to the car I would remind him that it’s a stage production. So the show goes on and it’s clear they are poking a little fun with the black guy playing the village girl and they even do a couple of jokes about her being the only real woman there. We get to intermission and as soon as the lights come on Cam is checking the program so he can confirm the village girl and the cork screw is being played by a guy. Which  of course it is confirmed and then he turns to me with a sort of aha I told you he is a dude and I repeat, so?

Corey is practically skipping as we leave the theater and Cam seemed pretty into the show too but I asked what he thought of it as we walked back to the car. He says “I thought it was great! But they were wrong to have a drag queen in a Beauty and the Beast Show there were little kids in there”…

Now I know I shouldn’t have but I died laughing, I just died.

Oh D contacted me yesterday, we met for lunch…or more accurately we met during my lunchtime.

Contact…

So the summer passed and I had not heard from D or seen him online since he suggested getting together. I decided to send him an email a couple of weeks ago but the email came back undeliverable. I tried the other email account he sent vids from a couple of his gigs and it also came back undeliverable. So I thought ok he wants to close this door once and for all. He doesn’t wanted to be tempted if he runs into me online and so he has decided to stop all communication. I couldn’t close the door completely myself so at 1st I thought he was doing me a favor by closing the accounts. But with each day that passed I found myself more and more bothered with the idea of there not being any chance of talking to him. I was aware of a work profile he has and I decided to invite him to my profile there. It has a bunch of past co-workers my resume that sort of thing the name and size of my company and previous companies I  have worked for and his is the same. So I sent the invite and within five minutes of sending it he accepted it. Ok, cool. If I just can’t stand no contact for another second I can at least send him a message from this site.