Damn it’s hot, I swear 103 degrees is just wrong when it’s been in the mid 80s for weeks. I know this oven like existence is part of life in NC but I need to work my way up to 103 with days of mid to upper 90s 1st.
I have been online at the weirdest times these days. I can go days without logging into facebook and then I’ll finish a homework assignment and decide to go to LJ and sometimes I even write a post. Considering I am taking 7 credit hours this semester and work is insane I think it’s pretty funny I decided now is the time to pick up posting again, although not frequent, but still.
I haven’t written much about grandma it’s still so fresh and new for me. She was the one person I knew loved me unconditionally, loved me like I love my boys. It’s been really difficult not having her around. The weeks leading up to her death I kept having a dream about her. She would show up at my house and when I opened the front door she would be standing in my yard with all her possessions. Everything mom had accused me of buying just so we would have to move it when grandma died. I would stare at her and then she would get frustrated and ask me if I was going to let her in. I would always wake up before answering. I had been avoiding going to see her. Granted I was finishing up fall semester and it was Christmas time and I didn’t buy a single thing until like the 20th. But I just didn’t want to see her suffering. You could see all the fight had left her and she was miserable and it was hard to watch. Finally I went to see her and I told her it was ok and I understood she was tired and I didn’t expect her to stay for me and the next morning she was gone. I didn’t have the dream anymore and mom didn’t move any of the stuff in grandma’s apartment. She did take a box she found that had every letter, card, and picture, I had ever sent grandma. I haven’t said anything about it because I know mom better than that. I know eventually I will get it and it’s just not worth confronting her for it. This describes my relationship with mom these days by the way, sheer avoidance.
School, well if I pass the two course I am taking and I can get in two more classes that are currently full fall semester. I will take 4 classes fall semester and finish the program. This is what I am working toward, it would be exactly two years which given my schedule would be amazing.
D, yes I saw him as if there was any doubt with the way I crave his attention. We have been communicating as much as my schedule allows. Yes I play those games…the rules like he pursues me I don’t pursue him. All of this is just dungeons and dragons rules though because it’s inevitable if we keep it up he will get caught. He loves his family and will break things off again, and I will be crushed. These are facts though that I am always willing to push aside. At least I have consistency in my insanity
I am a bit surprised to see a considerable spike in my stats today. I would guess someone found a post searching for bondage but there are a bunch of MNG posts with stats too, hmmm. Most of them are so old just reading through takes me back. It’s hard to imagine that it’s been at least three years since I saw MNG in person and for the past year or two I have only chatted with him a handful of times. It’s sort of a shame because I was always ok with just being friends but I guess he wasn’t. The D searches are easier to understand because for some reason people actually search for bondage posts and I have that tag and him attached to a bunch of posts. But even those are years old now. There was a season, very brief, but it did happen where D, MNG, and SE were in my life. I guess this three year drought is payback for such excesses. Every once in awhile I think about killing the blog or making it friends only or whatever. I still have LJ and blogpost open too. I haven’t even logged into blogpost in eons but I do check LJ even if it’s just to catch up on my friends list. Yes folks even though blogging seems to have died, I have friends on LJ that still post. I guess for keeping a record’s sake I could just stick with LJ and let the blogs die. But for that time I was writing so often my feelings were all over the place and it is fun to revisit it every now and again. I write that as if my feelings aren’t still all over the place but I don’t have play dates and MNG and trying to get to Charleston and trying to arrange childcare. I do hope when I finish school and things calm down at work I will have the time to get back into writing. Probably not regularly posting on 2 blogs and live journal but surely I could post on LJ and maybe here more than I have the past year or two.
Filed under Blogging, D, MNG
The D in me has been dormant. I learned how to lock it down and if it weren’t for the random messages from him I would think it was all a figment of my imagination. But every now and then he will contact me, just to say hi, sometimes a little more, wish me a happy birthday…And just the sound of his voice, a text message, or email will bring it all back. A while ago he contacted me and friended me on Facebook and the fool I am wherever he is concerned accepted the friendship and responded to his messages without a 2nd thought. The D in me is delusional, I know this, but I can’t help it. I went looking through his profile, his photos, catching up on his life immediately, who knew how long the latest contact would last. The D in me can be desperate, I know this too, but I can’t help it. Strangely he didn’t unfriend me or at least hasn’t yet and he would send messages from time to time. The D in me daydreams, remembers it all and daydreams because there was so much more I wanted to explore and didn’t get the chance to. He asks how I am, really asks, it’s weird but no one else ever does, how are you coping with Corey? I can’t believe how much of a young man Cameron is now…The D in me has depth, knows me inside and out even though the actual time we spent together can barely be measured. He asks me all the questions he already knows the answers to, I think he asks to tease me, and because he knows I never hold back even when I know how it’s all going to end. The D in me is dangerous, it takes me to the highest places. I land harder each time when it’s over because I never put my hands out to break the fall even though by now I should know it’s coming. He asks me if I am still his as if it was me who ends it when we both know it’s never me. How could I end exhilaration? The D in me is defiant because I just savor it for as long as it lasts even though I know each time I open myself up to this it’s all that much harder to lock it away when it’s over.
Since my last post I finished the spring semester and just enrolled in spring semester 2012. I just saw my grades for the fall 3 As and 1 C respectively. Yes folks I took 4 classes 12 credit hours this time because well because I don’t want to be 50 still trying to get a two year associate degree. So after all the moaning and groaning I took a class during the summer and four fall semester and I survived (mostly).
We had a little Christmas gathering at work on Friday and one of my co-workers congratulated me on surviving the semester and asked “so what are you going to do with the degree when you finish” that’s a good question actually because where I work is growing, where I work is fun, where I work could really turn into something special, and I have been a part of it from almost the beginning. This wasn’t true when I first decided to go back to school. Granted I really just wanted something more than a high school diploma and I wanted to follow through on something I had put on hold because of Corey. But now that I am a little more than halfway through with it I have to wonder what I’ll do with the education. I guess first things first I have to finish. I registered for four classes in the spring and I am considering a short session course which would mean five. FIVE? I am not sure if I am that crazy, we’ll see I still have a couple of weeks to decide.
I managed some really cool trips this year after the cruise the most surprising being one to D.C. I wanted to take Cam to see the new Martin Luther King Memorial and that morphed into a full blown trip with a white house tour and a Sting concert. The Martin Luther King Memorial was amazing definitely the highlight of the trip, oh and Sting, love Sting obviously it’s only like the 3rd time I’ve gone to one of his concerts.
Out of nowhere I received a fetlife email from someone who showed interest in my profile that I had not been active on in over a year. I responded with how much I appreciated the interest but I have pretty much turned off that part of myself if the lack of activity didn’t already make this clear. He responded “well let me know if you decide to turn it back on again” If it were only that simple.
So I am about two weeks behind in assignments for the short session class I foolishly added to my other two back in February. I am a week away from semester end and still have half the bags from the cruise I took last week in my trunk. Perfect time to write a post I just needed a break from the musts for a minute, “must finish this must finish that” and what better way to achieve that than visit a few old friends, very few still left on WordPress I might add and write a post?
So as mentioned above I took Cam on a cruise for Spring Break and I must say the trip was amazing. We went on an excursion to one of the Mayan Ruin sites while we were in Costa Maya and it was one of the highlights of the trip. I met someone on the cruise that doesn’t have a remote chance of being anything but it was nice to be reminded I am alive. It’s been so long since I looked up to notice someone smiling at me and taking the time to smile back with real interest. I honestly can’t say if I genuinely liked him or if I was just relieved to discover I haven’t given up entirely on meeting someone. It was a nice surprise to discover it’s just been awhile since I felt that spark instead of what I feared which was I have given up entirely on relationships, dating, men, etc. etc. So yeah this very cute man from Trinidad smiled at me and I looked up and thought “well hiya cutie”. Of course Cam made a point of checking on me as many times as humanly possible whenever I was talking to the cutie from Trinidad. This didn’t spoil the flirtation at all and it was a welcome surprise to discover I still have flirting in me.
I was voted Employee of the Month yesterday and I have to say I was surprised. I thought I made it clear to Kellie I would rather have the flu than that honor but it appears the nominations were out of her control. It was nice to be recognized and I got a gift card and a day off with pay for the honor which is pretty cool.
So what else? Well the cutie made a point of giving me his contact info and friended me before I made it home. I figure it can’t hurt to continue to practice my flirting skills online right? I have solid Bs in my classes despite taking a week off 3 weeks before finals so my plan is to buckle down and finish strong. Other than that I plan to keep working hard now that I have the employee of the month bullseye on my back, thanks again Kellie
Is it terrible to admit I could take the last post I wrote in October. Geez October??? Copy and paste it here and most of it would be relevant? Well let’s see, work crazy, school two classes instead of one this semester but anxiety level is the same, mom still crazy playing her usual aggressive comment role on facebook, MNG still distant but then I’ve been busy enough that I probably wouldn’t notice if he hasn’t been, D yes D, he called wished me a happy bday, all the questions at the end of last post still apply to him, so what else hmm. I miss posting? That’s about it for now
So I looked around and the next thing you know I haven’t written a post in a month and a half. And I mean I haven’t written period not here or on livejournal. I haven’t even logged in on livejournal. The main reason is an easy one, one I am reluctant to admit to because I have a certain level of annoyance at other bloggers who write this but…I have been extremely busy. Between the job move where I hear at least 50 times a day “just ask Cat” or “you need to check with Cat she takes care of that”; school egads why in the world did I decide to take a freaking math class during my lunch break????; V being in a sling; and Corey being “challenging” for lack of a better word; I have not had time to blog. I have not had time to watch tv and if it weren’t for facebook I probably would have fallen off the face of the earth. So the details.
1st off I may have tested out of math back in 1988 and maybe it will be a very cool thing to just pick up where I left off in my core paralegal classes. But taking my lone math class when I have not taken a math class since 1987 means I have been struggling. Simply put if I had not taken this class and went with a core class at night instead I would have been forced to drop after V’s injury. And this bit of information is the only silver lining in what can only be described as x = (hell+pain)-y(happiness) for me.
Corey-well we had his annual meeting and since I am still waiting for the hearing date for guardianship Corey had to attend the meeting and write his name beside mine. All 65 pages spelling out C-O-R-E-Y each time. This was the only comic relief in what was a blow and I mean a physical blow. To add goals we had taken off 2 years ago, 5 years ago, or 7 years ago. The feeling of walking in a circle, the feeling of no amount of effort will change a reality after 17 years I still can’t accept. It’s like a punch to the stomach. But on the brighter side I did take him to see Disney on Ice for his 19th birthday Thursday night. Yes 19 sighs. And we had a wonderful time at the Walk for Autism on Saturday. It was probably the one calm spot in what can only be described as a very challenging weekend. I wound up on the floor in a physical wrestling match with Corey yesterday to really bring me back to past issues I thought we had long since overcome. He pushed his teacher on Thursday (yes the same day as Disney on Ice it’s bitter and sweet in my world) she hit her head on the wall and wound up with an emergency visit and a mild concussion. And that is my life with Corey everything is fine until it’s not.
So what else my mom is still a royal pain in the ass and has taken that show on the road to facebook to be more of a royal pain in the ass. A great example being her insistence on making a thing of me not having a party at the bowling alley or some other gathering the way I did for Cameron last month. Forget that Corey has been a challenge, forget that I was on pins and needles praying his teacher didn’t press assault charges, yes forget all that because mom has discovered something I appear reluctant to do that she can then bug me to death about. This all ended with her showing up at my house yesterday unannounced with food so we “do something for Corey’s bday” because I assume the cake I baked, the evening watching Disney on Ice, and then our participating in the Walk for Autism weren’t enough “things”. And ok mom shows up with food no biggie except I had to hear about the Holly Peete interview and maybe if I had intervened earlier, maybe if I had more money Corey would be further along. Of course this was intermingled with every other useless suggestion she made as Corey did his thing as I warned her he was in that mood hence the reason I didn’t organize a party. And then when I was at my boiling point I had to endure the “you are just like your grandmother” charges of not being capable of accepting help. Which of course is what her useless digs were “help”…moving on.
MNG hmmm well he’s the master of facebook these days having found a nice group of old friends from N. Dakota to show how much better off he is not working. Documenting every new project with plenty of photos and there is always a new project. He checks in with me every once in awhile to give me project stats he knows I am already aware of thanks to facebook. Or to give me weight updates on how much he has lost thanks to all the hard work he is putting in on his house. I think #1 he has found someone new to shake his feathers at and #2 I have been too busy to be much fun in the preening for attention category.
D yes D he will contact me every blue moon. I think it’s his own pavlov’s dogs research. “If I text her will she still drool?” “If I send an email with yet another new email address will she jump at the chance to reconnect with me?” “If I make mention of the hotel will she cream her pants in anticipation?” All very good questions, no?