Damn it’s hot, I swear 103 degrees is just wrong when it’s been in the mid 80s for weeks. I know this oven like existence is part of life in NC but I need to work my way up to 103 with days of mid to upper 90s 1st.
I have been online at the weirdest times these days. I can go days without logging into facebook and then I’ll finish a homework assignment and decide to go to LJ and sometimes I even write a post. Considering I am taking 7 credit hours this semester and work is insane I think it’s pretty funny I decided now is the time to pick up posting again, although not frequent, but still.
I haven’t written much about grandma it’s still so fresh and new for me. She was the one person I knew loved me unconditionally, loved me like I love my boys. It’s been really difficult not having her around. The weeks leading up to her death I kept having a dream about her. She would show up at my house and when I opened the front door she would be standing in my yard with all her possessions. Everything mom had accused me of buying just so we would have to move it when grandma died. I would stare at her and then she would get frustrated and ask me if I was going to let her in. I would always wake up before answering. I had been avoiding going to see her. Granted I was finishing up fall semester and it was Christmas time and I didn’t buy a single thing until like the 20th. But I just didn’t want to see her suffering. You could see all the fight had left her and she was miserable and it was hard to watch. Finally I went to see her and I told her it was ok and I understood she was tired and I didn’t expect her to stay for me and the next morning she was gone. I didn’t have the dream anymore and mom didn’t move any of the stuff in grandma’s apartment. She did take a box she found that had every letter, card, and picture, I had ever sent grandma. I haven’t said anything about it because I know mom better than that. I know eventually I will get it and it’s just not worth confronting her for it. This describes my relationship with mom these days by the way, sheer avoidance.
School, well if I pass the two course I am taking and I can get in two more classes that are currently full fall semester. I will take 4 classes fall semester and finish the program. This is what I am working toward, it would be exactly two years which given my schedule would be amazing.
D, yes I saw him as if there was any doubt with the way I crave his attention. We have been communicating as much as my schedule allows. Yes I play those games…the rules like he pursues me I don’t pursue him. All of this is just dungeons and dragons rules though because it’s inevitable if we keep it up he will get caught. He loves his family and will break things off again, and I will be crushed. These are facts though that I am always willing to push aside. At least I have consistency in my insanity


